Tag Archives | emotions

Why We Need to Learn to Thrive Again

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Why do people always say that time heals? I’m not so sure it does…

I have been thinking lately about the nature of loss and healing that all of us must go through at some point in our lives. Sadly many times for most of us.

In my case, it is the anniversary of a central figure in my life that precipitates this introspection and gives rise to the philosopher in me.  But it doesn’t have to mean the death of someone we care about; there are many other causes of pain and loss.

I’ve found rather that time gives us the space and perspective to learn how to deal with loss in a healthier way and to be able to adjust to a new reality.

While the pain doesn’t really go away, we learn how to be happy again despite… or maybe because of… the hole that remains in our heart.

Aided by the balm of the memories that survive in and around our loss we are, (hopefully,) able to achieve a new ‘normal’ where both pain and joy can coexist peacefully within us.

I believe, at least in my experience of it, that when we can get to that place where we can accept, acknowledge, adjust and thrive once again, then I suppose we can call ourselves ‘healed.’

The hardest part may be coming to the realization that healing does not mean putting our life back to the way it was ‘before.’ Rather, it means putting our life back together again ‘after.’

Until we come to understand this, we may never truly be fully functional again. Resilience I believe holds the key to a full and satisfying life.

Surviving is not enough; thriving should be our goal if we intend to live a good life.

How do you deal with loss? Do you consider yourself resilient?

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What Would You Do if You Had One Month to Live?

What would you do differently if you only had one month to live? Would you change jobs or leave relationship? Would you apologize or be more caring to others? Would you take a risk you’ve always wanted to take? Everyone’s answer will be different. The book One Month to Live: Thirty Days to a No-Regrets Life by Kerry & Chris Shook can help you answer those questions and guide you along that journey of changing the way you live your life.

From the book:

“Be brutally honest with yourself. Your time on earth is limited. Shouldn’t you start making the most of it? If you knew you had one month to live, you would look at everything from a different perspective. Many of the things you do now that seem so important would immediately become meaningless. You would have total clarity about what matters most, and you wouldn’t hesitate to be spontaneous and risk your heart. You wouldn’t wait until tomorrow to do what you need to do today. The way you lived that month would be the way you wished you had lived your whole life.

If you knew you had one month to live, your life would be radically transformed. But why do we wait until we’re diagnosed with cancer or we lose a loved one to accept this knowledge and allow it to free us? Don’t we want all that life has to offer? Don’t we want to fulfill the purpose for which we were created? Wouldn’t life be a lot more satisfying if we lived this way?

I’m challenging you to start living your life as though you have one month to live, and I’ve designed this book to help you. There are four universal principles in the one-month-to-live lifestyle: to live passionately, to love completely, to learn humbly, and to leave boldly. I’ve divided this book into four sections or “weeks” accordingly, and I encourage you to live these next thirty days as if they were your last.”

I find this book to be fascinating, thought-provoking and inspiring. Happy reading! What will you do with your one month?

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Mini-Mission: Learn the Language

We all know that there are many different types of communication, each of us have our own language, our own way of expressing ourselves…and it may not be…in fact it often is not, the way those around us communicate. This is a problem…a big problem.

And that is never more true than with love, empathy, understanding, anger even. This is not only true in our romantic relationships, it’s true in parent/child communication, friendship and in the workplace as well.

not listeningMost of us grow up learning to express ourselves in the language of our parents, for good or bad, it’s what we know. Seldom do two people in a relationship of any kind speak exactly the same “language.” I’m not talking about English vs. Italian here – though we might as well be – we’re talking about the way we express and receive ideas and emotions.

In his book, The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman explains the five types of expression and perception that are the five “love languages.” According to Chapman, people feel loved, appreciated, connected when a partner or loved one expresses love in the language that is natural to the recipient. If not, the message isn’t received.

(If you’re interested in applying this in the workplace, you might want to read The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace: Empowering Organizations by Encouraging People, also by Chapman.)

The Five Love Languages

1. Words of Affirmation – This is truly the verbal type of expression. Compliments, words of encouragement, appreciation or kindness are what’s most meaningful to the person who speaks and hears this kind of expression. Insults, undercutting and criticism are most damaging.

2. Quality Time – Attention is the name of the game; complete, focused attention. Truly being there and listening, connecting, spending time in conversation and activity. Eye contact and body language are also important.

3. Gifts – Not necessarily costly material gifts, though those are always nice. In this type of language it is truly the thought that counts, the effort, the consideration. A gift is a kind and thoughtful gesture that says you are valued. It is a symbol that represents appreciation, love, friendship or thanks.

4. Acts of Service – Doing something useful, helpful or considerate is the key here. Ease a burden, lend a helping hand; something as simple as vacuuming the floors, washing the dishes or running an errand at home, or getting the coffee, making the copies, or taking the difficult phone call at work.

5. Physical Touch (not in a sexual manner) – A hug, a pat on the back, holding hands, a touch on the arm. It’s physical connection and contact that this person speaks and responds to. This is especially important and can be particularly difficult for the person who did not grow up in an environment of physical affection.

Mini-Mission:Learning the language

There are two parts to this equation…What language do you speak? And what language does the other person respond to?

(It can also be a combination, but usually there is one more predominant than the others.)

How do you like to express love, appreciation, or kindness to others?

What makes you feel valued?

Conversely…

How does the other person express themselves?

Or what do they complain about not receiving or needing?

Get On the Same Wavelength

If one person expresses through “Acts of Service,” but the other needs “Quality Time,” they’ll both feel frustrated. Such is the case with my husband and I. He needs my time and attention, I need him to do the dishes. I show my affection in a way that he appreciates by sitting down and asking about his day. He shows affection in a way that I appreciate by making my coffee every morning. Little things that make a huge difference.

This week take some time to think about which type of “language” you and those you care about speak and respond to?

Your thoughts? I’d love to know what you think! Leave a comment or share on our Facebook page!

Just joining us… Find all of the Mini-Missions here…

 

 

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6 Things You Can Do When You Find Yourself Getting Frustrated

We all get frustrated, irritated, darn annoyed at times. People, situations, problems, interactions, all can cause us to feel frustrated. We may not be able to avoid frustration, but we can minimize the impact it has on our life. It’s what we do when those feelings of frustration arise that makes the difference.

Acknowledge your frustration. 

The more you try to deny, push aside, or ignore your feelings, the louder they get. Don’t try to minimize or explain away your irritation, just accept it. You are annoyed right now! That’s a fact. There. Done. Over that hurdle. Now you can move on. Sometimes simply acknowledging and naming your feelings is enough to help them dissipate.

Create some distance.

Don’t just try to ride it out, give yourself a breather. If you can, remove yourself from the situation – end the conversation, get up away from your desk, leave the room, shift to a different activity, and take a walk. If getting away isn’t an option, create some mental distance – shift the topic of conversation, work on a different task or project for a bit, put on some music, even just deliberately taking  a few breaths and consciously releasing the tension in your body will work.

Ask the tough questions.

Do you have a part in creating your frustration? Are you judging someone or something through your own filters? Is it really yours to be frustrated about or are you taking on something that isn’t your business? Is there something you did or said that you shouldn’t have? Or something you didn’t that you should have? Why are you so frustrated? Don’t flog yourself. Blaming isn’t constructive; simply recognize your contribution.

Take action.

Is there something you can do to alleviate your frustration? Is there a discussion that needs to happen? Is there some action you can take? Is there something you can do to prevent the irritation from occurring in the future?

Get it out.

If there’s nothing you can do, perhaps you can at least write about it in a private journal or confide in a close confidant, (make sure they are trustworthy.) For some, activity works; sweat it out at the gym, walk it off, garden it away, whatever works. Cleaning works for me – you know I’m frustrated when the house sparkles. Find what works for you.

Let yourself off the hook.

No guilt, no berating, or judging yourself as unreasonable or impatient. We’re human, imperfect beings with feelings, needs, and wants. We get frustrated when those wants or needs aren’t met, when things don’t go as planned, when our feelings or opinions get trampled on. It’s just a part of life.

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Where is Your Sense of Humor?

Smiling can imply a sense of humour and a stat...

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Where is your sense of humor?

If you’re like me, sometimes you get so wrapped up in the daily grind that you forget to laugh…especially at yourself.

Every day so many things don’t go the way we’d like them to. We can’t control it, we can’t change it; sometimes all we can do is laugh at it. You have to have a sense of humor if you don’t want to be frustrated and angry all of the time. Very few things or situations are worth the aggravation we allow them to cause.

Ask yourself, “Is this really important?” and if it’s not try to find the humor in it.

Don’t take life so seriously!

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