How Guilt Holds Us Back

By on May 18, 2012 in Happiness, Mood, Personal Growth

So many of us live under an oppressive cloud of heavy guilt. We are plagued by regret of decisions made and actions taken, words spoken, or opportunities not explored. We feel as though we have done so many things wrong and we forget about all of the things that we have done right.

We apologize, we try to make amends wherever possible, but it’s never enough. We cannot forgive ourselves for those things we did or did not do in the past. We drag this guilt into the present and carry it with us into the future. We have held onto it for so long that it has become a part of us.

If we make mistakes, if we hurt others, if we missed an opportunity that life presented us, of course we should feel sorry. Absolutely we should apologize. Wherever possible we should make amends. Definitely, we should learn from our missteps and not repeat them. However, beating ourselves up and refusing to forgive ourselves, derails our happiness, and has harmful consequences on the decisions we make now and how we treat others.

Guilt, shame, and regret serve no purpose. A worthy conscience certainly helps us to learn from our poor choices and prevents us from repeating the same mistakes over and over again. But guilt is about punishment and self-retribution. It keeps us in a self-inflicted prison of pain. It keeps us stuck in the past and doesn’t allow us to express our greatness or experience the fullness of life.

Accept your mistakes as a step along the path to who you are today.

Let the guilt go. Release the past. Forgive yourself. Embrace your future. It’s time.

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Motivation + Perseverance + Meaning = Life Success, Part 3

By on May 16, 2012 in Make a Difference, Purpose

When we are talking about life success, we are talking about not only achieving goals and financial success but also a high quality life in general, meaningful relationships, good health, enjoyment and laughter a fulfilling connection to the world outside of us. We have talked about how motivation and perseverance play a role in achieving a life of satisfaction and success. If you missed those posts, I recommend you read Part 1 and Part 2 first.

But meaning is also an important factor in achieving life success; it’s possibly the most important one. There needs to be purposefulness in both your life and your work in order for us to be truly fulfilled.

What exactly do we mean by “meaning?”

For our purposes, we will define meaning as purposefulness, a driving force or perhaps even a mission. If something fulfills us, touches us in some way, or feels worthwhile. If it makes us say, “Yes, this is good and right,” then it probably has meaning to us.

When you discover your mission, you will feel its demand. It will fill you with enthusiasm and a burning desire to get to work on it. - W. Clement Stone

How do we know what is meaningful to us?

It calls to us, it compels us to action, it sparks our passion, or evokes strong feelings. These things signify meaning and they will differ, sometimes drastically from person-to-person, organization to organization. It really doesn’t matter what we find meaningful, what matters is that we recognize what is meaningful to us and we tried to incorporate that into our lives. Finding meaning in what we do and how we live may truly be the most significant factor in the quality of our lives.

Types of things that may have meaning to us:

 

Using our talents and skills in a way that benefits the world around us. – Each of us has a special gift of some kind that brings us joy and satisfaction. We may be compelled to look for and explore these talents and gifts or we may not recognize that the skills we possess are actually very important and useful.

What is your special talent, skill, or gift that you have to offer?

Upholding our values – If something angers us or feels unjust in some way, if we feel compelled to act or speak out in some way, there is usually something happening in our lives or the world around us that is in conflict with our values. When we take action when we defend an innocent, when we take a stand or try to correct a wrong, we are expressing our values. Our values clearly have meaning to us and in many ways drive the decisions we make.

What do you believe is right? What is important? What do you value? Whom do you champion?

Growing as individuals – When we seek to improve some aspect of ourselves or to expand and stretch beyond our previous limits, that growth, that expansion has meaning to us. It may be meaningful to improve our health, to gain knowledge, to explore our creativity, to develop a deeper awareness of what’s inside us, or to cultivate a stronger connection to that which is beyond our individual selves. Expansion and growth provide a strong sense of meaning.

How do you seek to grow or expand yourself as an individual?

Growing as a society – When we are compelled to improve upon the world around us, to make our community, our world better in some way it speaks to something meaningful inside us. A desire to right a social injustice, help others preserve our world and our history or to affect in a positive way the future legacy we are leaving those who come after us is indicative of something that is fiercely meaningful to us.

What do you strongly feel needs to be changed in the world around you? Moreover, what role do you feel you can play in bringing about that change?

Knowing what has meaning to us can be a heavy and deep concept. However, finding why we do what we do, what drives us to succeed, to excel and to push ourselves beyond our limits, what calls to us, what compels us, what makes our hearts sing, or our blood boil, is the key to life success.

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We Have a Choice to Make

By on May 14, 2012 in Inspiration, Lessons, Personal Growth

 

Life is full of transitions, both large and small. They happen whether we like it or not. Children grow up, we grow old, people, and circumstances come and go. We are buoyed and buffeted by life’s current and though it may not be the smoothest arrives, we hopefully learn something along the way.


We cannot stop time and I’m not sure if we would want to anyway. Each phase of life is special in its own way. We stretch, we grow, and sometimes we hurt. Nevertheless, the indisputable truth is that time keeps moving forward with or without our consent.

Our choice is either to dig our heels in stubbornly and stand in its wake or to jump on the roller coaster for whatever the journey brings.

I choose the ride!

How about you?

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In Defense of Instant Gratification

By on May 11, 2012 in Fun!, Habits, Happiness, Questions, Stress

The precept of delayed gratification has been preached to us, drummed into our heads, until we no longer question it. It has been awarded lauded status, an unquestionable tenet, almost a commandment. “Thou shalt delay gratification.”

We learn this message early in life. Many of us cling to this rule, to the point of martyrdom.

Work before play, save for the future, the payoff is somewhere down the road, pleasure and enjoyment must be earned through hard work.

You know who you are. My hand is in the air!

If your hand is not in the air, you probably don’t need to read the rest of this post.

What it isn’t

We have a pervasive misconception of what instant gratification is. Indulgence, excess, possessions we can’t afford, too much play and not enough work, self-centered wandering lives, with no purpose or meaning. But that’s not what instant gratification really is.

Instant gratification is not the same thing as laziness. It’s not selfishness. It’s not shortsightedness. It’s not a lack of self-motivation.

What it is

The true definition of instant gratification is enjoying our lives, in the present moment. The problem is that most of us are at one end of the spectrum or the other. We are either self-indulgent, or self-denying. Or… We practice self-denial, then binge in self-indulgence, then feel guilty, and punish ourselves by practicing self-denial.

Instant gratification and delayed gratification are not mutually exclusive. Why can’t they coexist?

Wouldn’t life be better, more enjoyable, if we could both plan for the future, and reward ourselves right now?

  • Are we afraid that if we have fun now we won’t want to work hard later?
  • Are we worried that if we eat dessert now will never get to the vegetables?

It’s important to question those unwritten rules that we learned along the way. See if they still apply? Were they ever in our best interests? If we ever intend to be mindful, successful, and truly enjoyed our lives, we need to think for ourselves.

How to use it

How can we use both instant gratification and delayed gratification to achieve be happy, lower stress, balanced, yet successful and meaningful lives that we all desire?

  • Can we save for the future and indulge in some “luxuries” now?
  • Can we work hard and still find time for play today?
  • Can we have full lives and still take time for ourselves every occasionally?
  • Can we be disciplined, determined, and driven, yet still do something fun and frivolous with our time?

Your turn

Your challenge, should you choose to accept it…

Question this belief for yourself. Practice instant gratification at least once this week and see how you feel about it.

Your thoughts? Where do you fall on the spectrum?

Are you an instant gratifier or a delayed gratifier? How and why?

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Knowledge for Knowledge’s Sake Is a Waste of Time

By on May 9, 2012 in Lessons, Personal Growth, Work

Are you an information junkie like me?

I confess, I’m a knowledge addict. I read books, magazine articles, numerous blogs, listen to podcasts and watch videos like a sponge hoping to soak up every pearl of wisdom that might make me happier, more successful, smarter, healthier, and calmer. OK, full-disclosure, wealthier too.

We can’t help it. I think we’re programmed that way, to be constantly seeking to improve ourselves. That isn’t a bad thing, unless we become obsessed with it.

The problem

The problem as my wise husband pointed out to me in a recent conversation, is that we keep seeking and acquiring the knowledge, but rarely do we actually apply it. Instead, we keep seeking more and more, until we have a wealth of knowledge, but nothing to show for it, other than a stack of books and some conversation starters.

Better solution

Better to acquire a bit of knowledge, a few tools, and one blinding flash of insight and put our effort into applying this new understanding to improve our lives right now. There will always be time to go back to knowledge seeking later.

As my husband so eloquently put it, “Stop preparing and practicing for the game, GET IN THE GAME.” Did I mention my husband is military? He would have made a great drill sergeant, don’t you think?

Since I am the writer in the family, I’ll put it this way:

The value of knowledge is not simply in the acquiring of it, but in the application of it and the effect it has on our lives and the lives of others.

Though I suspect my husband’s version may have more impact.

Your turn

What are your thoughts on this?

Are you a knowledge junkie too? Or maybe you’re on the other end, a forge ahead type who doesn’t bother looking for new knowledge? Maybe you’re one of the elite few, who’s more evolved than the rest of us and has already perfected this system?

Care to share?

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